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You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
