Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
