um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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