how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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