When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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