Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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