If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
