Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
