Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
