Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
