dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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