Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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