Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
