meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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