he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
