I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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