I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
