if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm both gender and math confused
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