I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
