All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
