so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just found puke in my bra..
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
