I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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