I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
