I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
