your parents love me but you hate me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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