smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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