you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
