I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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