yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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