Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
