My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
