Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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