Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize