Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
