I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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