Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize