I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
