Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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