toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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