you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
