two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
