our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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