Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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