if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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