The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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