God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
