i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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