even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
