I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Actions speak louder than pants.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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