You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
