im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
