The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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