Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
