He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
