Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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