I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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