Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
