someone threw a dead crab at me
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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