I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
