At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
