i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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