I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
